Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
