I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So squirting runs in the family.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
