My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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