my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
