Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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