Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
