I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
