So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize