Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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