Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
