I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
