Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
