I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
if only i could text you this smell
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize