woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
