My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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