I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
