her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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