I could make wine with my vomit
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
