My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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