I'm so fucking centered right now
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
