the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
