No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
