Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
