Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
