This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
