Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wish my penis had a tongue
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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