News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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