Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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