i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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