if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
