I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
