I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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