life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
