A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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