Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
