You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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