I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
