You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
