Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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