So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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