i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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