it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
