all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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