Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
