The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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