I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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