I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
