Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize