Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
