your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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