I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize