God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
