Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dignity is for republicans.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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