I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
