My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
my poor anus
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
